We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
