i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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