I will die if light touches me.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
