I wanna bring you to show and tell
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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