I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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