i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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