I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize