she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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