Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
