I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
