I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
