Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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