if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
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