the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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