i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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