wanna go halves on a baby?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
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That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
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Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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