she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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