i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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