Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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