You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
