I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
