dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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