Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
