I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
