Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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