what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
