stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
