She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
