so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We are two peas in an std pod
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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