His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
