I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
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He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
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I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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