wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
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I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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