I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
