I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
