My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
