Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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