Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
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Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
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Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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