dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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