do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
