i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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