i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
