I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
