I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
