I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
