i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
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