I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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