You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
