If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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