i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
