there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
