I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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