just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
