I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
