No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
